happy regardless: Happy #88: Don't mind that backdraft.

Nothing changes until something changes. And when one thing changes, everything changes. It's a physical law. Brought to you by God.

So if you want change, really want change, and you are committed to seeing change happen, brace yourself.

Things have not been going my idea of well lately. "I'm not gonna lie." (One of Jackson's expressions.)

In fact, the last month or so had me feeling as though I would never, ever be able to create the change I'm after. I felt like my entire life was in upheaval. Perhaps because it was. It's interesting how prayer works, often producing results in ways we didn't anticipate when we began praying for help with a particular thing.

When you submit your will to God, you better be ready to surrender to the outcome. And to the process he takes you through, for that matter.

Several months ago I began working intently on creating change in my life. Real change. For me, this meant asking God for clarity, deciding what I wanted, taking accountability for those desires, prayerfully considering my course, then taking the steps necessary to get to the outcome I was after.

What I didn't see coming was what I'm going to define as the backdraft of change. Feel free to use this term. I think it's excellent. ;-) I'm sure there's a psychological buzz word for the concept. But I think my words are comprehensively descriptive. Therefore, better. :D

Let me explain.

In the movie Backdraft (with Kurt Russell, one of my favorites) right before a huge explosion, a reverse draft develops. A backdraft. Fire and smoke starved of oxygen, remain at a high temperature, and the combustion ceases. False sense of security, that closed door on a fire... No apparent change, right?

Wrong. In the movie, suddenly a door was opened and oxygen was introduced to the fire. In a split second the heated gases sucked up the oxygen (engaging combustion) and BOOM!! An explosion.

A big one.

"It's the dark before the dawn, Kathleen. Keep turning to the Lord. He's with you, carrying your burdens. And watch for the light to break through the clouds," Patriarch Hatch said to me when I visited with him and Harriet a few weeks ago. It was his response to the many hits I was taking on my path to what I deeply believed (after a lot of prayer) was the best course. And though it did not feel like a whole lot of burden carrying was going on, I knew he was right.

When I was in the middle of the knock downs, it was difficult to see clearly. I was honestly beginning to feel like I would never be able to change my life for the better. Finding my path through prayer, I didn't question my course. But aside from the obvious leveling, I could not understand what was happening. And I began to feel the sort of despair that hopelessness brings.

Fortunately for me, in addition to my personal pleadings with God, someone out there was praying for me. All of those prayers were answered. (Thank you. You know who you are.)

After reading my post last week, my sweet friend Anne-Sophie (born on my birthday and the same age as my daughter Kelsie), wrote of my effort not being wasted, following with, "...even if you can't see the outcome of your strength in pain or your hope in loss or your trembling in weakness....yet. It wasn't in vain."

I thought about her words and read the article she shared with me, The Best is Yet to Be. She said it helped her choose to trust herself during a difficult time and reminded her to trust God. (Thank you, Anne. I love you, sweetie.)

Today something happened in my thinking. A light turned on. I was given awareness, then understanding, then peace. In seconds.

God did that. He helped me see. He enlightened me. In answer to prayer.

I am creating change. And that is why all this crap has been happening! Because that's the nature of change, the scientific and spiritual nature of change. Nothing changes until something changes. And when one thing changes, everything changes. So of course there's going to be opposition. A backdraft. Because I'm breaking patterns here. And breaking patterns creates resistance. Which produces strength. Which change requires. (Think about the seedling trying to sprout through the soil of the earth. Did you think breaking through the dirt to find the sun was easy? No pressure?)

It's almost as if nature conspires to test commitment. As if a soul desiring change seeks to be strengthened by the process itself, refined and prepared by and through the back draft, to be more.

It's a miracle, isn't it? The whole process?

There are all sort of stories out there about the strengthening benefits of adversity. You know the ones. They typically involve trees.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be the oak tree strengthened by buffetings. I don't care about being strong enough to be someone's wagon wheel. I don't want to be the tree standing mightily all by itself out in the wilderness, strong because it had no protection from the storms. But by golly that wood is going to be fit for a fortress and make darn fine wagon wheels! Yea. No thanks.

I want to be the beautiful, delicate tree standing in the middle of the field with precious little flowers in the beds beneath me. Surrounded by a large and mighty evergreen forest for protection. I don't care to be made strong enough through buffetings to be a sturdy this or that for whatever it is you think you need to use a strong oak tree for. You get my point.

That said, and nevertheless, what I think doesn't matter. Or change God's law and/or the way He does things with His children. Who am I to question God's ways with me anyway? Or think the way isn't good just because it doesn't feel good or look good from my limited perspective? He helps us learn in the ways that are best for us, for our growth and strengthening. Doggone buffetings...

Given that I know there must be opposition in all things, and given my new found awareness of what is going to happen when I say I want change and I mean it, I wanted to offer my recent experience with change.

When the desire is real, and the actions are intent, there is going to be a backdraft.

So, brace yourself.

Because nothing changes until something changes. And when one thing changes, everything changes.

For some odd reason, understanding that all this adversity represents that I am creating change gives me hope. And strength. And I feel strong enough in these moments to be the wagon, all the wagon wheels, and whatever else it takes to get to the change I want.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthened me." Philippians 4:13

Having said this, I would prefer to be sitting in the wagon wearing a beautiful dress and beautiful shoes. The sparkling kind. Pink ones. Not red.

But whatever.

Be the change you want to see.

Shelter yourself in the storm. Run away if you have to. ;-)

Then press on.

And don't mind that backdraft. It's just a little hot air.

Gratitude. Regardless.