Happy #92: Tell yourself, "It's Ok. That's just today."

"There is no chance, no fate, no destiny that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I'm not comparing myself to a snail, but I do want to make a point about determination and perseverance.

Earlier this week my son's high school was taking the group (about 400 students) senior class picture. There aren't many things Keaton asks specifically to participate in, but this was one of them.

The morning the photograph was to be taken, I began the usual routine of getting Keaton up and out the door for school. He doesn't have a class first period, so he arrives an hour later than the other students. Thinking they would take the picture mid to late morning (as they have in the past), I didn't call early about the timing for the photo. Nor did I call the day before. But I should have.

Keaton was excited and minutes away from being ready to go when I decided to check in with the school.

"Oh," the secretary said, "they just took the picture five minutes ago!"

I stood there in the kitchen. Stunned. Then I started to cry.

It would be one thing if my son didn't care about this. Or if there were more opportunities like this. Or if Keaton and I hadn't spent the last two years making up the first two years of his high school work (in addition to the second two years of work he was required to do) so he could graduate.

And it must have been a pathetic sight, me standing there in my kitchen, bawling. But worse than my tears was the feeling in my heart that I had let my son down. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt like a loser. An honest to goodness loser.

Because, all things considered, I could have prevented his disappointment. And as I said, he doesn't ask for much. So this was painful for me.

I have a few regrets in my life. This will be one of them.

That said, I value perseverance. And I believe that when we grow, even just a little bit, change for good follows. So I may have felt like a loser that day. And truthfully, for all the reasons I should. But all I can do is go forward and try to do better.

I consoled myself (after calling myself a loser, which I don't think I've ever done), knowing it's a victory Keaton is graduating at all. Keaton struggles with life on the Autism spectrum. Had I not persevered when the school was telling me it would be nearly impossible for him to make up the work (and I should be satisfied with a Certificate of Completion for Keaton), that would have been the real failure. And that's were I truly would have failed him. He was always capable of graduating. Even if the school wasn't capable of helping him produce the work required to demonstrate his capability...

The senior class picture is a one time thing. There is no way for me to make it up to him. And photoshop would just be an unfortunate reminder that he wasn't actually there to participate in the experience. (Believe me, I considered it.)

But I have firm resolve and I am determined to do better with these details that need my more conscious and deliberate attention. For Keaton, for my other children, for myself--in every area of my life. For all the reasons I should.

Life is going to bring disappointments, setbacks, discouraging moments, and flat out heartbreak. When these moments happen, it's best to take the long view and remind ourselves that it's Ok. And that (whatever "that" is), is just today. Today can be a lot of things, but it's not tomorrow. And tomorrow is always different than today. Always.

With the firm resolve of my determined soul and perseverance, the change I hope for in my life may happen at a snail's pace. But that is also Ok. I have hope. And hope for change is the beginning. Everything can be better from there.