Happy #65: Check in with people.

I'm back.

Not sure what the next post will be, or what Happy #65 is really about, except to say that the people you love need to hear from you.

So check in. (This is me checking in, btw.) I haven't thought much about being missed. (I know some people think about this. I don't.) But I have thought about how much I've missed you. I've thought about you every day. Even if I haven't mentioned it. I just wasn't sure what to say while I was going through my difficult time. So I didn't say anything. Don't be all shocked that I can actually keep quiet... ;)

However, that was then, this is now. I'm here. And I hope your day is spectacular. If it's not, please make it that way.

It's all we've got. :)

love,
kathleen

Happy #64: Ask yourself, "And how's that working for you?"

This should be so obvious. But it's not. Or at least it's not for me.

For whatever reason we tend to continue doing (or thinking) things that create difficulty in our lives. Old patterns, old ways of seeing, old habits, old thinking, old actions, old hanging on, OLD!!

Don't you prefer NEW? See? Even the word is more appealing.

I was having a conversation with my friend LaDawn and shared something with her that had been frustrating for me. She responded, "And how's that working for you Kathleen?" We both laughed. Through a different lens, I realized I was allowing an interaction/situation to continue in my life that clearly wasn't working for me. And suddenly it seemed ridiculous.

The choice was mine. So naturally, the frustration was my doing as well--since I was the one choosing to do things the same way. Why we continue in a path then bang our heads against the wall expecting an outcome other than the one we had before, I don't know. But we do. Insanity. ;)

We forget how powerful choice is. And we forget that there is always something coming along behind the choice. A consequence. A result.

Your life is the result of your choices, I often say. This can be a stretch to accept when things aren't going well. But the quickest way to turn things around is to make different choices.

Frustration is a little easier to change. Pain is a bit more difficult. But different choices can have different outcomes there too.

Both my daughters are away from home right now. Juliet is going to college in WA. Kelsie is serving a mission in Florida. I miss them both. Very much. But I can call Juliet. And text. And see her when I go to WA on business. As much as I miss Juliet, I am able to connect with her. So I am not feeling as much loss there.

Kelsie, however, is away and inaccessible for the next 17 months. She is permitted to write home once a week and she can call twice a year. A YEAR. On Christmas and Mother's Day.

I cannot begin to describe how painful this has been. And I have to be honest here, there has been more than one morning of tears with me struggling to get out of bed... I have had to force myself to do things. Literally, truly force myself.

I know enough about depression to understand my body is trying to manage the stress of loss. The cloud that feels so sad and hopeless is just the body's coping mechanism. I get this part. My brain suppresses everything to mitigate what I'm feeling. But for the life of me, I do NOT understand how that makes it more manageable. Because it feels like crap. And makes things worse, as far as I'm concerned.

However, this much I do know (coping mechanism aside), the choice to stay in bed and cry wasn't going to change anything. The work, my responsibilities to my children and my clients, would still be there. And so would everything else--dishes and laundry piling up as they do...

So I asked myself what I could do differently to ease what I was feeling. The pain didn't go away. But something good began to come of it. Making a shift and putting the energy towards a positive outcome (rather than the more stressful one of falling behind on everything) was a better choice to make.

I think it's a good question to ask ourselves, "And how's that working for you?" Whatever is going on, whatever the result is, how's it working? Is it working well?

Because our lives are the result of our choices. And sometimes making a change IS as simple as making a different choice.

The picture above is of the daisies outside my back door. I planted them three years ago and this is the first year they've really come in and bloomed with such beauty. They stand over 4' high. I've never seen daisies so tall. They are remarkable out there in the sunshine up against the red brick wall of my house.

I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the beauty of the moment had I stayed in my bed in tears.

I still miss Kelsie. Desperately. But I'm making good things happen anyway. I think she'd be proud of me.

It's Ok to take yourself out of something that's not working for you and put yourself into something that does.

And there's a big beautiful world out there.

Your choice. :D

Happy #63: Stop hanging on so long.

A friend of mine says good things come out of conflict. Conflict is hard on me--emotionally and physically. So this statement was difficult for me to understand.

But as I've thought about his statement over time, I've come to see how true it is.

He's a historian, so naturally there is far more information in his brain (about the results of conflict, or probably about anything for that matter, lol...) than exists in my brain. Which is why I couldn't see (especially with how difficult conflict is for me) how the statement regarding conflict could possibly be true. Because the eye cannot see what the mind does not know. Right?

But experiences I'm having recently are helping me see.

The Mussuei de Louvre in Paris has an extensive history, including several accounts of conflict. A story that interested me when I visited the Louvre was this one: the French didn't want the glass pyramid. They hated it.

And yet, surrender (clearly not their initial position of choice) brought something forward that is really very remarkable.

I was intriqued by the imaginative use of space below grade (for the museum) and the brilliant way I.M.Pei (the commissioned architect) brought light, transparency, and visual connection to that space with his design.

But the French resisted the concept. Entirely. They felt, as I understand it, a pyramid (and modern structure) didn't belong in the space or fit their history and how they see themselves. Also, from what I understand, there was a fair amount of distress involved. Why? Because hanging on in resistance creates stress. They were communicating what they wanted and needed, without effect. No wonder they were frustrated.

The glass pyramid was going to happen anyway, whether they liked it or not. I'm not saying this was right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what happened.

I'm not sure how to make my point here, except to say that sometimes it's good--after speaking up and speaking up and speaking up--to just let go and let something be what it's going to be.

Sometimes we hang on to something (or someone), trying to get what we need, for far too long. When in fact, letting go releases resistance, which can bring the right things about. Whatever that may mean or be.

This is not to say you should stop trying to get what you need. You always need to speak up for what you need. And want. Always.

I'm just saying stop hanging on so long to situations (and/or people) when you can't get what you need. Learn to let go. Maybe even walk away. Because sometimes getting what you need means getting it somewhere other than where you were looking.

This is me, hanging on, trying to get a picture with this sculpture without falling into The River Seine directly below.


Ridiculous.

Let go people.

It just might give you enough relief for happiness to find you again. And you might be surprised where the new direction letting go takes you. :)

Happy #62: Turn to the Source of peace.

Ok, I'm going apologize right now for how sappy this post may sound. But part of what makes this blog meaningful (at least for me) is my willingness to be honest about what I'm feeling at the time while sharing with you what helps me feel better.

This last month has been a very busy one. Getting my daughter prepared to go into the mission field was an exceptionally busy time. And busyness has a way of distracting you from emotion. Which can be good. So I didn't really have a ton of time to think about what was happening, or consider the emotion surrounding it.

Knowing the tidal wave that was headed my way, a friend offered to pay for me to take a trip. All expenses included. It was the most incredible gesture of kindness and generosity I think I've ever experienced. And while I was away (having left town the day after Kelsie reported to the MTC), I was distracted from the reality of having both my daughters gone. And distracted from the emotions that are a part of that reality...

But the train I was on (quite literally as I journeyed around England and France) had to arrive at it's destination eventually. And when the it did, at 5:30 this morning, the tidal wave I was running from caught up to me.

Waking up and feeling the weight of it, I cried and cried. I tried to think my way out of it. I tried to busy myself with everything that needs my attention here at home. Nothing helped.

That's when I got on my knees and prayed.

In the moments that followed, I was reminded that turning to the Source of peace, our Savior Jesus Christ, we can find the comfort we need when nothing else works. The words to this hymn (Where can I turn for peace) came to mind.

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

Text: Emma Lou Thayne

When I began to feel peace through the One who is my source, the next thought I had was of gratitude. Naturally, my thoughts turned to the people in my life. And I was able to see the enormous outpouring of love and support that came through Him at the hands of my family and friends in my time of need.

I wrote a huge paragraph here sharing everything everyone has done recently that served to uplift me this morning. When it turned into a publishable book, I decided to let you all know personally and in private. :)

But let me just this: You make a difference. A big one.

Thank you.

I feel your love.

Happy #61: Leave something of yourself.

I know it 's been awhile. I got busy. And I got bored with myself.

But there's something I'd like to share with you.

On a few memorable occasions, I have been deeply moved by particular pieces of art. Inclined to favor pastoral images (especially those with water) and portraits if they captured color or light in a way that caught and kept my attention, I consistently brushed by other works of art.

This was a mistake.

Viewing Van Gough's Poplars (on exhibit at the University of Utah some time ago) I had my first experience feeling the energy of art. I can still see the droplets of apple green paint so thick with texture and vivid with color the painting looked like it had just been finished days earlier. (A picture is not included. I couldn't find one worthy to match my memory of the experience.)

This piece truly affected me. I could almost feel Van Gough painting. I will never forget the painting or the feeling I had looking at it.

Van Gough's A Wheatfield with Cypresses at the National Gallery of Art in London (one of the 30 most expensive paintings in the world, a mere $84,000,000.00) struck me much the same way. As did Monet's Bathers at La Grenouillère.

Absorbing these works of art I reflected again on the lives of the artists. Especially Van Gough. I am moved by the masters of these pieces. Not only because they produced remarkable art worthy of gracing galleries all over the world, but because in spite of what they endured personally, these people did something with their work and with their lives that has endured.

They pushed through whatever life was for them and they left something of their lives that contributes to ours. And this is what is worthwhile to me. That we can stand and behold work that is beautiful and meaningful, whomever we are and whatever appeals to us personally, because of what they did.

So here's my happy suggestion #61: Leave something of yourself. And I'm not talking about candy wrappers on the nightstand. Some one thing that will endure. Dig out that paintbrush or drawing pencil or whatever and get to work.

You may not think your work will have any significance. But if it comes from you, it has you in it. And that is significant. And worthwhile.

Even if it's simple. Maybe especially if it's simple.


Mark Rothko's White Center (Yellow, Pink and Lavender on Rose). Painted 1950. Recently sold for $75,000,000.00. (Also one of the 30 most expensive paintings in the world.)

Just do it.

Happy #59: Don't give up.

I'm still here. And so are you.

There's something to be said for that. Clearly there must be, since I bothered to write about it... :)

Not sure I know what it is just yet, but that's Ok.

It's Ok. We're Ok.

You, me, and my about to be a missionary daughter trying to get away with wearing a lime green (as opposed to the recommended Nun-like black or brown) blazer to the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah. Lol.

We're all Ok. Especially Kelsie in the lime green blazer.

I'll post a picture later. :)

Happy #58: Take the long view and ride the wave.

It all comes and goes. Do you remember what you were doing or what you were feeling or what you were thinking three months ago today? Three weeks ago? Yeah. I didn't think so. Neither can I.

My point is, it's easy to get overwhelmed with life and events, responsibility and obligation, relationships and emotion while we're in the middle of whatever. And we forget that everything comes AND goes. But giving some thought to the scripturally based concept, "And it came to pass...", can help us keep perspective regardless of the waters we're riding and what we're experiencing in the moment.

So if it's smooth sailing today, be grateful and happy. If not, it will be again. So be grateful and happy anyway. :)

There is always something to be grateful for when you take the long view. Especially when you stop to consider that all we've really got is what we've got right now, in this moment.

Life is a ride. And it all works out.

So take the long view and ride the wave. :)

Happy #57: Do something brave.

In the 1920's, carrying what little she owned and her twin baby boys, my grandmother, twenty-five year old Mary Anne (Molly) Murphy, left an abusive husband and her home in Ireland, boarded a ship in England and sailed across the sea. Uncertain of the outcome, she had hope that whatever lay over the ocean was better than what lay behind.

I am certain that leaving her history, her family, and her beloved green hills of Ireland was difficult for Molly to do. She loved Ireland. LOVED it. I have no idea what compelled her to make the decision she did. But I know enough about her life to know circumstances were not favorable for her. And I know that Molly, my grandma, a single mother, poor, and with little more than a grade school education, was strong enough to make choices to better her life.

With hope on the horizon, she made a decision and carried out an action that changed her life. In the process she changed mine and the lives of my children.

She set the mark of bravery for me.

So here's my happy suggestion for today: Do something brave. Do something to change your life.

Because you have no idea how that bravery will impact the lives of those who follow you.

All aboard! :)

Happy #56: Make a memory.

You never know when the rain and clouds are going to move in and swipe away your springtime warmth and sun. So It's nice to have memories to draw from to put the sunshine back in your soul.

So here's my happy regardless suggestion for today, whatever the weather may be where you are: make a memory. A good one. With loved ones. Bake, talk, laugh, take ridiculous pictures. Gather your loved ones in whatever way you can (even if it's just a phone call) and seize the day. Give yourself the gift of having a fun experience to look back on.

And people, learn to laugh at yourself. Check out the picture of me above. My pants are undone (too much lunch?) and you can see my jeans poking out my shirt. Lol. Hilarious.

The beautiful thing is, every day holds the opportunity to make memories.

You are my sunshine. :)

Happy #55: Know what you love.

If you have any hope of getting what you need from those around you, you have to know yourself, know what you want or need, and be able to clearly communicate those needs to your loved ones.

That said, there was a time in my life when I couldn't get what I needed, regardless of how clear I was. My (then) mother-in-law taught me a very valuable lesson at the time that is well worth sharing. She said, "Kathleen, when you can't get what you need from the people who should be giving it to you, you need to go and get it for yourself. Make your own happiness. Don't wait for others to make it for you, or you'll be disappointed for the rest of your life." Joyce was wise. I'm so happy we're still friends--regardless of the outcome of my marriage to her son.

Life is different for me now than it was then. I can get what I need now. My children know I love flowers and help in the garden. So that's what they gave me this year in honor of the day. (Don't hate me because my daughter is an off the charts talented floral designer...) Yesterday they painted the garage. And now they're downstairs in the kitchen, working together seamlessly to prepare a wonderful meal. I am so grateful for them all. They are amazing. And the greatest gifts of my life.

Anyway, I wanted to share some of my Mother's day with you.

Why? Because the fact that I can get what I want and need from the people in my life (when this wasn't always the case), gives me hope that others can too.

Happy Mother's Day.



Kelsie, the creator of these spectacular floral displays, at the end of Mother's Day. Getting what she needs... ;)

Happy #54: Simply serve.

Ok. I know I've said this in a number of ways as it relates to happiness. But today's experience newly defines service for me as one of the key ingredients to a life fulfilled.

I've been praying for crisper focus in the use of my time. Last night one word came to mind. Just one word. Serve.

Serve? WHAT?!? Like I don't? And how do I fit more service into a life already full of responsibility to family, home, work, education, and yes, SERVICE?!?!?

I was stunned. But truthfully, even in my deer in the headlights state, I don't think I've ever heard it so clearly and felt it so simply as I did last night. And I need to be honest here. It felt a bit overwhelming. I even thought for minute about being offended. I did. Since, you know, I serve...

However, tempted as I was, I didn't take offense. Instead, I went to sleep thinking of ways to fit more service in. And all that that would mean. Since more must mean more, right?

But more isn't always more. Sometimes more is actually less. It's just more deliberate. Purposeful. Mindful.

This morning something came to me as I was proceeding with my day. It was this: Serve from who you are.

I was running a work errand and happened upon the delightful little package of cookies in the photo above. They were so charming! I immediately began to think of someone I could give them to. Naturally, a suitable recipient popped to mind. So I bought them with plans to deliver them later today.

As I proceeded to make the purchase, I thought about service and about words I've heard a lot lately, "How can I help you?" I thought about how difficult that question is to answer. I always want help. And quite frequently need help. But I have a TERRIBLE time asking. And an even more difficult time drumming up a response when there is a well meaning offer.

When someone asks me how they can help me (or worse says, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you!"), I feel uncomfortable, awkward, and a little bit embarrassed. Why? Because I should be able to manage my life all by myself.

But I can't. And heads up? Neither can you.

We all need help. We do. And we can uplift and help each other in so many, many ways. In as many ways as there are people on this planet, really.

Think of the good we could do in small and simple ways if we would just serve from who we are, in the ways that come to our minds to serve? In the ways that are natural for us? If we would just simply serve?

Because then, like with me buying those adorable cookies and feeling pure delight in doing it, ways of serving are natural. And serving "more" becomes natural too. There is ease. It just fits into the crevices of life. Like ice cream after a delicious dinner.

You may not see those cookies and think to give them away. Because that may not be you. But something about you and what comes naturally for you can benefit and uplift another human heart.

So, simply serve. In your way. Whomever and in whatever way comes to mind for you.

You will love how it makes you feel. And the one you serve will love it too.

There is happiness here, in serving, in giving and receiving love.

Give giving of yourself a whirl. :)

Happy #53: Pay attention to the real spring around you.

It's snowing again in consistently surprising Salt Lake City. I've been keeping my windows open at night to offset the hot flashes. (Too much information, I'm sure. But this is my blog. Lol.)

Anyway, last night it got COLD. So freshing... When I woke up, the trees were flocked once more in the ever delightful greatest snow on earth. Light, fluffy, powder. Who could ask for more on a fresh (very nearly May) spring morning?

It reminded me of a day not too many days ago when I was looking out my kitchen window as I did the morning dishes.

The sun was streaming in, setting my dish water bubbles ablaze with rainbows. The sky was blue, blue, blue and the pear tree in my back yard was budding the most magnificient spring green. Off to the left in my yard is a HUGE plum tree. It is probably the size of my garage. I'm not kidding. It sits on my neighbor's land and spreads it's draping branches over the area I would like to see become a flagstone patio. I love it.

On this day, the tree was especially spectcular. It was bursting with enormous, white blooms. Explosive with blossom. Explosive. I am unable to draw up the words to adequately describe it because it looked like heaven to me. And it was one of the most stunning, beautiful things I've ever seen.

I thought in the moment that I needed to go and take a picture so I could share it with you. But I was doing the dishes and I wanted to finish. And, I thought, this illustrious display of spring will be here for a few days so I have time to take a picture.

That's what I thought.

So I finished the dishes. And although I can't remember, I'm sure I finished several other things as well. But I didn't get the picture.

Ever.

A windstorm came up that night and blew all the blossoms off the tree. When I got up the next morning and stood again at my kitchen window I was so saddened by the lost opportunity to capture something that was so uplifting to me. I said to Kelsie, "I just didn't know they'd be gone so soon."

I realized the moment I said those words how true that is for the people in our lives. The real moments of splendor and beauty and new life of spring.

We don't know how long we have someone. And we're always so busy doing things, finishing stuff, paying attention to matters that don't matter nearly as much as the people around us.

We're always surprised by the sudden departure of someone close. We all seem to say the same thing. We didn't know they'd be gone so soon...

So on this spring day, whatever the weather may be where you are, pay attention to the real spring around you. The real life. The people. The essense of this world that makes the real difference.

There's another 2" of snow on the ground in my yard. And on my blossoms of spring.

But you are the real spring in my heart.

And I'm so happy you're still here.

Share the love. :)

Happy #52: Give.

What says privilege like a Lear jet? That's Juliet and Christy adorning those perfectly crafted leather seats. And me, the flash in the mirror capturing the memory.

Drum up $12,000,000.00 and you can have a Lear for yourself. Yes. That's right. Twelve million dollars. An Ivy league education? Pocket change.

It's all relative.

For most in this country, if you're managing to keep your mortgage paid and escape foreclosure during this economic uncertainty, you're doing well. That said, 20% of humanity (that's us) hoards and holds 83% of the world's wealth. On average, even if you're poor in America, you're wealthier than 75% of the world's population.

Gratitude for what we have is a good thing to have. Because we have a lot. Even if it's not a Lear. And you don't know poverty until you've seen real poverty.

We had a wonderful time on this airplane. Don't get me wrong. It was an exceptional experience to draw from in thinking bigger than we have been. But to think bigger for the means to do good. To give. To share. To help others have a better life.

Years ago someone said to me (when I suggested wishing I could do more), "It's not how much you would do with more, it's what you're doing now with what you've got."

What do we do with what we've got? This weekend one of the Beauties in the photo said, "When I pass a homeless person I may feel I don't have the cash to give, but sometimes I have an apple. Or a muffin. And I can give that. I think it's just the giving that counts."

She's right. It is the giving that counts. And that we give in whatever way we can. To all of our brothers and sisters in our human family.

In response to the current political environment, my fellow planning commissioner Mary Woodhead posted this note on her Facebook. It reads:

"As we listen to talk of secession from the Tea Party and the importance of state rights, let's remember the real horror of the Confederacy. From the Texas declaration of secession: "...in this free government *all white men are and of right ought to be entitled to equal civil and political rights* [emphasis in the original]; that the servitude of the African race, as existing in these States, is mutually beneficial to both bond and free, and is abundantly authorized and justified by the experience of mankind, and the revealed will of the Almighty Creator, as recognized by all Christian nations; while the destruction of the existing relations between the two races, as advocated by our sectional enemies, would bring inevitable calamities upon both and desolation upon the fifteen slave-holding states...."

I am appalled people actually thought and believed this. Then again, the whole idea of slavery is appalling to me. I've never understood racism. Or prejudice. And I do not understand the mudslinging and heated argument that goes on over issues like the ones our country is facing right now.

But I think it's fear related. And people will always find something to fear if that is where their brain is inclined to go. Fear of the loss of freedom, the loss of personal rights, loss of property, fear of change. Fear of failure, fear of the uncertain, fear of rejection, the loss of love. I could go on, but I think that pretty much sums up racism, political divide, and every other social and personal ill.

Maybe if we pushed our fears aside we could find a little hope. Maybe if we thought of new ways to give (like the apple), new ways to share, new ways to love and serve and be open with each other, we would realize that we're all afraid together. Created equal. And in our mortal condition, equally afraid is my guess.

We can help each other. And with a little honesty we could actually talk. Communicate. Say something that would be meaningful and helpful to another human soul.

As I said in an earlier post, I'm not trying to solve the world's problems. Nor could I. And as I also said, that's not what this blog is about.

But when it comes to happiness, which comes from love, the pathway includes kindly giving to and lovingly caring for each other.

So give. Share. From what you have and from who you are. Because that's all we've got to give anyway, isn't it?

It's enough.

And it feels good.

Thanks for the cookies Mark. :)

'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Happy #51: Spend time with people you love.

Christy, Juliet, Kiki (my neighbor) and I took a twenty minute drive across the border from Blaine, WA to the Vancouver, B.C. Temple open house. Who wouldn't want to drive along a bay of water that sparkles like a sheet of diamonds and end up at a temple where the chandeliers sparkle like a rainbow of jewels?





The day and the temple were simply exquisite. And the company, of course, was priceless.

Spend time with people you love.

Happy #50: Share something you love with people you love.

I took this picture in Blaine, WA today. It shows the marina where I'm doing my work and a sparkle I caught from the sun.

I love it. So I'm sharing it. With you.

You do the math. :)

Happy #49: Make biscuits.

If you haven't tried any home cooked goodness in awhile, give it a whirl.

BAKING POWDER BISCUITS
2 c. sifted all-purpose flour
3 Tbsp sugar
1 Tbsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 c. shortening
3/4 c. milk
Heat oven 450 degrees.

I lightly knead the dough into a thick circle about 8" in diameter and cut it into four pieces. Sort of like scones. It fits nicely in a pie dish for baking. And goes perfectly with butter and raspberry freezer jam from last summer's berry harvest in Bellingham.

Add Black Cherry herbal tea served in a china teacup, one beautiful breakfast companion named Christy, and you're there.

But be inventive. Use what you've got. (Qualifier: You may not be lucky enough to find Christy because she's fresh (not frozen) and you can't find her everywhere. Do feel free to substitute your favorite dish.)

The point here is to cook for and with one another.

Enjoy.

And feel the love. :)

Happy #48: Follow your heart.

There is peace in truth.

This is not to say the truth is easy. Or even comfortable. Or convenient. But living a life for the benefit of other people at the expense of what you need never made anyone happy. (I'm not talking about service here.)

Many years ago I had a profound experience while standing in the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C. It was a life altering moment.

Reading Jefferson's words inscribed on the wall, I understood for the very first time that I had a God given right to happiness. I came home from that trip with priceless clarity that God intended me to be happy. And wanted me to be. I also came home with the acute awareness that I had to choose it for myself, regardless of the difficulty of the choices involved.

I saw that nothing was going to happen to magically change my situation, much as I wished it would. And nobody was going to make choices that would free me from the painful decisions I didn't want to make.

The hand of God aside, only I had the power to change my life. Only I could choose happiness for myself. A gift, I came to realize, God gives his children in helping us understand the principle of accountability. You know, choice and accountability?? Why? Because other than God you are the only one who knows your heart and what you really need.

I learned that I needed to summon the courage and find the strength within myself to choose for my heart. I needed to take accountability for my own peace and happiness. (And misery, for that matter. But that's another post.)

I discovered that the path I needed to take to live my truth, in spite of how "wrong" it was for everyone else, was in fact the right choice. And as hard as it was to actually choose what I really wanted, God gave me the fortitude to step forward for myself. He was teaching me to be true to myself...

Here, I found happiness.

Choosing happiness can seem impossible when you feel stuck. The choice it takes to honor your heart and give voice to what you need for peace can be the most difficult choice you will ever face. (Especially when your choice bumps up against what everyone else thinks you should choose, or wants you to choose, or hopes you will choose for THEIR happiness.) But all things considered, a life without peace and happiness hasn't got much hope. And a life lived from duty will only get you so far.

Knowing the heart takes time. And a willingness to see the truth. Seeing the truth in a heart happens gradually until that crystal clear moment when suddenly you know and there is no turning back. In that moment, that perfectly clear moment, the honesty you find frees you.

"And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32

There is a feeling that follows truth, and the light of it changes everything. No matter how hard it was to see the truth and no matter how difficult it will be to make the choice.

Follow your heart.

It's the place of peace.

And the only way to happiness.

Happy #47: It's all in your head.

Your feelings follow your thinking. Experiment with that idea. When you feel bad, change what you're thinking.

And when you have a spare couple of hours, open your mind and watch this film.

May all your dreams come true.

Ever wonder why mine do? :)

The cognitive, prayerful life... Something to think about.

Happy #46: Have hope.

Easter is a message of hope.

It gives the promise of life, shining as a beacon of light in the darkness.

Earlier this week I was reading in John of the New Testament. The risen Lord had performed a miracle, feeding 5,000 people from scraps of bread and fish. Following this Jesus said, "Ye seek me not because ye saw miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves and were filled...I am the bread of life. He that cometh to me shall never hunger. And he that believeth on me shall never thirst."

Preoccupied with satisfying their hunger, the people didn't appreciate the miracles executed in their behalf.

The Easter message of hope, the resurrection and the life of Jesus Christ, is a sounding call of victory over death. But It is also a call to have faith. Through the power of the atonement and with his life, Christ is capable of helping us live ours. He is able to carry our burdens and lift our sorrows. He is able to strengthen us, succor us, and heal us. He will give us direction, lighting the way when we don't know which way to go. (You know, "I am the way, the truth and...") And he can give us peace.

But He is also capable of producing miracles to sustain us. His ways and His means are infinite and limitless.

What I'm trying to say is that He is the bread of life and He can put dinner on the table.

So when you need help, ask.

And have faith. And hope.

Heavenly Father is listening. Jesus Christ lives. And he's ready to deliver.

Happy Easter. :)

Happy #45: Spend time with Juliet.

Ok, it's one hour later and I'm still awake.

So I'm going to take a minute and comment on one very quick way to happiness: spend time with my darling Juliet. (Well with any of my children, actually. They're all so flat out funny and enjoyable to be around...)

After teasing the President of Westminster College about his shoes (in her charming way and with her charming smile), Juliet left yesterday evening to return to Seattle. Spring break is over.

Juliet. Everybody MISSES you SO much!! Keaon, Kelsie, Jackson, Rhea, Me. Even Mark and Matt. Especially Matt.

You left a big hole here in Salt Lake City when you got on that airplane.

So enough of this college in Washington nonsense. There are plenty of good schools in Utah.

We need you. We love you. We miss you! :(

Seriously? I'm having an allergic reaction to your absence. I'm breaking out in a rash. Ok, maybe it's from the stress I'm under, but all I know is we like it better when you're here with us. And I wasn't itching before you left. I'm just saying.

In the words of my dear friend Vicky Palmer Otte:

"Ergo," it's time to come home. (Ok, word. Those last five words are mine.)

No pressure.

Happy #44: Get some sleep.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Because it's 4:30 in the morning and I've been working on a proposal for 21 hours now and I am really, really tired. Not finished with the proposal. Just incredibly tired.

AND, I'm having a hot flash. Isn't that nice?

I'm not complaining. Just making an observation.

As I said. Get some sleep.

Because I really wish I could...

Happy #43: Grow Something.

I've been growing these vines in a vase of water on my kitchen window sill since September of last year.

They started as twigs. No leaves, no roots. I expected long stringy white things to show up at the ends of the branches.

But in the sun and with plenty of water, the twigs sprouted these beautiful little roots balls of red and white and green. It's like looking at Christmas in a cup. :) And I've been charmed watching this unusual root system develop in front of me.

Under transparent conditions, it has been a blessing to watch them grow. I've loved it. I can hardly wait to plant my grown with love vines in soil and start them climbing on the red brick of my adorable little Tudor house.

So here's my Happy #43. Since it's spring...

Grow something. Begin with twigs or starts or seeds. Give them water and sunshine and watch life happen.

Because new life is exciting.

And it's a good reminder that it's never to late to make a new life of our own.

Ever.

Happy #42: Find a considerable sweet spot and dream.

Sweet spot: a place or thing (not a person) that just the thought of makes you feel good.

Here's mine for the moment.

When your considerable sweet spot stops making you feel good, choose something else. (It's an exercise in learning not to attach to things.)

Our minds have the power to make our world. And to make us feel better.

The beauty of imagination...

It's all in your head.

Dream on. :)

Happy #41: Speak Good. And follow with dessert.

“I would rather be poor in a cottage full of books than a king without the desire to read.”
Thomas Babington Macaulay, English Historian, 1800-1859

Not me. I would rather be wealthy, have several cottages full of books, and a dinner date with the King. Then we could have a conversation about the benefits of reading and education. Following dinner I'd like an array of exceptionally delicious and expensive desserts.

But speaking of conversation (and not the array of treats after dinner with the King), there is a LOT of political dialogue going on over the Health Care Reform Act. Very little of what I've managed to hear has been good. Which disturbs me.

I have several strong opinions. As always. But I'll spare you.

I only want to say one thing.

When the Civil Rights Act was passed (as well as the Welfare Act, the Unemployment Insurance Act, and others), lawsuits were filed. The same lawsuit, in fact, that has been filed against the Health Care Reform Act. And likely by the same sorts of people.

We resist change, even when that change means protecting other human beings. Often these events bring out the worst in people. Which is both sad and unbelievable to me.

That being said, in the upheaval that seems to be stirring, speak Good.

Assume the best. Because almost without exception (even if it's not what you would do or choose), people are doing the best they know how to do.

I can't change anything that's happening. Or enlighten anyone really.

But I hope for the best. And I can try to bring happiness to the people around me. I can think something positive, engage with and have a good laugh with my kids, eat a spectacular dessert, be kind, give love, serve someone (Mark, we bake your chocolate cake tomorrow), and above all? I can speak Good.

We can all speak Good. And follow with dessert. ;)

Not solutions to the problem, I understand. But then this blog isn't about solving world problems. Now is it?

Maybe somehow my small effort to make myself happy regardless will make the world a happier place.

And maybe in the process it will make you happier too. (Especially if you come over for dinner and I make you these spectacular dessert cups we made for my birthday last year.)

By small and simple things...

Happy #40: Take a nap.

Earlier this morning Kelsie commented on our cat Sophie always finding a spot to nap in the sun. "What is that?" she asked. "I don't know," I responded. "But if I could lay on that little bench and take a nap in the sun, I would."

Naturally, it got me thinking about naps.

Needless to say, at the end of the work day today when I found the sun streaming in through my bedroom window and casting it's warm golden rays on my bed, I could not help but think about that morning conversation...

Giving in to my fatigue, I layed down and dozed off because I was simply too tired to stay awake.

I only slept for 60 minutes, but when I woke up I was thoroughly refreshed.

Reaching for my laptop, I found the Google search bar and entered "napping". With one click I found this article in the Boston Globe.

It's worth a glance just for the laugh.

But it's also worth a glance for the information it provides. And the validation it gives to napping.

"A nap of 60 minutes improves alertness for up to 10 hours...A Harvard study showed that a 45 minute nap improves learning and memory...Napping reduces stress and lowers the risk of heart attack and stroke, diabetes and excessive weight gain. Naps make you smarter, healthier, and safer."

The sun is still streaming in through my window, I haven't missed a thing, AND I'm rested. Truthfully, I can't think of a better way to go through the remainder of the day. See? I'm so rested I'm rhyming. :)

So. Find a soft spot in the warm sunshine. And take a nap.

Because we could all use a little more rest.